Posted in My Mundane Diaries, New Stuff

Exploring the g(r)ay areas in love

So, if you’ve read my previous post, you would know that I am with someone who I do not love. Nor does he. He does claim that he does but only when we have awful fights and I resolve to leave. It is then and only then that he decides to declare his love for me.

It’s pretty clear where that comes from. We all are afraid of being stranded – not knowing what to do if left by someone. We don’t want to delve into the unknown. I understand, I sympathize and that’s partially the reason why I am still in that house, feeling caged, feeling imprisoned.

How do I know he doesn’t love me? We live together but do not express love for each other. Things that couples do are not common to us. Of course we go out, watch movies together, eat together, go out for dinner to some place together. But these activities do not become the only defining factors of love. They are just one facet of relationships. It is not a validation of love. The one thing that is missing is the gestures of love.

The fact that you can snuggle with each other to find comfort when you’re troubled from work, or from strained ties at home or something else is missing. The fact that when in love, lust is also important is something alien to us. Let me rephrase that – he does not feel attracted to me and over time now I do not feel attracted to him either.

It’s strange for me to gulp it down that a guy who claims that he loves me doesn’t feel attracted to me. Initially, I overlooked that fact because I thought I’d take my own time to see where the whole thing was going and then decide to go all the way.

I even told him, “Let’s wait for the right moment. Let’s not rush into things.” He graciously accepted and I felt relieved and impressed at the same time. You see, I did not want it to be all about sex at the end of it all. I wanted it to be more substantial first and then make the decision of doing it.

But that day of being sure, since the time we decided not to, has never come. For some reason I do not feel he is one bit attracted to me. So you’d ask, “Why don’t you talk to him about it?” Then I’d say, “I did. I spoke to him as openly as I could.” I asked him if he wasn’t attracted to me at all. He denied it. He said he was, “I am attracted to you. What are you even talking about?!” I retorted, “So then why is it that you never initiate things? Of late I do think I want to do it but I don’t see you feeling inclined towards it at all? Is there a problem with me?” He dismissed my observations as overthinking.

I do not know if he is gay or bisexual or something else but I do think that I’ve put myself in yet another pickle. I had thought initially that I could do with a relationship devoid of physical intimacy. To be very transparent, I have even tried on countless occasions to try and get physically intimate but I had no luck. I tried almost everything a woman would – we took weekend trips away from the city, we went out, got drunk came back and made out but that’s it. It has never gone beyond that and I have no idea why.

You might think, “Maybe he has a problem. Maybe he should see a doctor. Look into his past.”  Done all of that and yet the answer is unknown. The fact that he’s so casual about the problem makes me worry! Even if we say he were gay it is only obvious why he was trying to work it out with a girl.

The society in which we live is one where being gay is not yet socially accepted nor a familiar thing. Forget about social acceptability, I do not think he’d even be able to come out to his parents. For people like that, there is no resort left but to try and find a female partner who would help them keep their cover. I feel sad, I feel unhappy every time I think about it, about his situation and mine.

I’ve put myself in a difficult situation yet again by bringing myself in a relationship that I calculatingly chose. His possessiveness, his want to retain me makes me sad. I know why he wants to keep me and I cannot do anything about it. He does not want to go through the trouble of finding yet another girl who would be accommodating of his ways. I don’t want to abandon him and yet I have no other choice. I want to help but he does not want to admit to himself even that he probably does not like women. I grapple with his attitude every day and I feel I am of no help to him.

I have proposed moving out so many times and he has felt disappointed with me every time I’ve raised the topic. I am trying to prepare him for me leaving him and yet it feels so difficult. It’s been more than a year since I’ve been with this guy and all I can think of is how not to hurt him. I do not want him to lose hope or to feel that he will all alone. I don’t want him to feel abandoned and yet I do want to leave. I hate to be in that position where I have to the leave the other person. But do I have a choice if it isn’t working out for me? I don’t think so.

I am just another person and he is just another guy but a guy who is probably very scared to face the world when it comes to his preferences and I completely understand that. But what can I do? Is it so selfish to think that I should move on? Is it selfish to look for love for myself when I know how tough it’s going to be for him? Maybe he won’t find it, maybe he will. But can I do anything to help him if he refuses to even admit to himself that he might (the keyword is might) be gay?

Crazy rants!

Posted in My Mundane Diaries, New Stuff

Having heartbreaks again and again…and again

So, here’s a story that is similar to many others. It’s about falling head over heels in love and then out of it and then in and out becomes a regular thing. No? If not, then why is it that you always fall for the “wrong person”? Yes, it happens…and slowly, gradually you start questioning yourself – your shortcomings. You think something is wrong with you, not the other person. Life has been harsh to you and only you and you should build a strong wall around yourself and not let yourself be vulnerable again. But guess what, the next guy that comes your way, who impresses you ends up peeling that wall down as simply as peeling an orange. Whatever happened to that strong wall? What in the world happened to it?!!!!

It scares you! You feel you are easy. Of course you are easy. But don’t be so hard on yourself. I say, don’t create that wall! There is no wall. There’s just two people – you and him and that’s all there is to it, seriously.

I am someone who has fallen madly in love once – just once! That was the first guy I dated and it ended in the worst of nightmares. We were together for almost eight years and as I listen to a gloomy track while i type right now, all I can think of is just one word that is causing everyone trouble – love. That’s the word around which teenagers, adults, everyone revolve right now. To be more specific – unrequited love. The kind of love that does not find closure is what breaks us…it causes hurt and pain and madness for some. I was deeply and devoutly in love with the first every guy I had dated. I was back in school when I started dating him and continued with it through college. It was a turmoil ridden relationship.

He wasn’t the regular guy who’d come over and see me or go out on dates with me. He did not even show up on my birthday when I moved out of my parent’s home and went to another city to finish college. It was hardly a relationship and yet all through my first year in college I could only just think about him. We were in the same city but he refused to act like a normal boyfriend. He had his own explanations for all that. I was stupid enough to date him but I was stupider still to think I was in a relationship. However, I did not let go of him until I was midway through my second year in college. After a year passed, he got in touch and said he wanted to get back. I did – I accepted. After all, for me he was my “first love.” I did not want to lose out on “true love.”

To cut the story short – it didn’t work out. It was not meant to be and it took me an awful lot of time to realize that. When I left the city to finish my post graduation in another city, I found myself getting attracted to this other guy. I did like him but not even close friends knew of my liking towards him because I refused to acknowledge it. I was scared that news would spread and the guy would come to know. So I kept my secret safe until he started dating some other girl and I could not handle it. I did what every person my age would do – got drunk and cried. That was also the time when my friends got to know about my liking towards that guy. They were baffled and consoled me and went to the extent of saying, “You should have told us sooner! We would have easily fixed you up with him. Why didn’t you tell us?”

Like I said, I was scared. I did not want another disaster. My first relationship gave me a lot of rejection, dejection, hurt, self-doubt, madness and I did not want it again. I did not want to put myself through that again. Little did I understand that not every guy was out to make my life miserable. I had come to believe that I was unlucky (much of that had to do with how I grew up in my family). I do not have the confidence to match up with another individual – I feel we are two different personalities and having a common ground is difficult. Despite that I still think that I will find love.

The night I drank and cried was also the night of yet another disaster I brought upon myself. The next morning, as I felt groggy and sick, I realized that the previous night one of my guy friends had told me that he likes me. I decided to dive into it. I checked my phone and saw the missed calls from him. My first instinct – dive! I called him and the moment I did he apologized to me for going beyond line the previous night. I asked him not to apologize but to have a mutually beneficial relationship with me.

The relationship turned toxic. It had to! I made the wrong choice. I was not meant for that sort of relationship. I fell for a good-for-nothing mad pot smoker who was into all kinds of drugs too! I spent a good two years just waiting and wondering that he’d come around. I spent those years in deceit, in lies, in “love.” I hated myself every time I gave in to his sweet talk and then more madness unfolded when I got back to the city where I had started my college. I found myself in a sticky situation with my ex who madly wanted me back and all I could think of was that junkie. As I swung between the junkie and my ex, I saw my life falling apart. I pushed my ex out of my life and concentrated on the lying and cheating jerk because I thought I was madly in love.

Now that I look at it, I know I was not in love. But that whole experience fucked me up! There’s no other way to put it. I think I just jumped from one messy relationship to another – and for what? Because I was too afraid to acknowledge my actual feelings! What if I had been more accepting of my fear of liking that guy from postgrad college? What if I had actually gone and told him? What if? Now there’s only a ‘what if.’ My friends still keep telling me that I had a great chance with him but I should have told them about it and should have done something about it. But now there’s nothing I can do. The guy is going strong with the girl he started dating back then and they will soon get married. Besides, I do not even feel anything for him anymore.

But the whole experience led me towards a worse direction. So to be able to get out of that madness I was going through with junkie, I decided to try seeing someone random. I met this guy I barely knew at a cafe which had blaring music. He was sweet, he was overexcited about “us.” I felt wanted. So, I liked it. He’d randomly talk about getting married, he’d talk about me – as a person. He’d shower me with compliments and what not! I loved it. I felt good about myself – for the first time! I did not know these things were common. While my friends found these gestures common, I found them wonderful for obvious reasons. I did not get such positive gestures before. But then that was brief. We found our cracks – he was too unavailable and I was still holding back. I was still scared to let out my true feelings. I did like him but I did not want him to have that knowledge and then have power over me. I had been manipulated in my previous relationship – I didn’t want that again. So, slowly we lost touch and moved to another city. I tried keeping in touch, I tried rekindling things but to no avail. I was broken yet again!

After that I went on several dates – met quite a number of suitable “boys.” But I did not like them. Also, I decided not to feel anymore – I decided to be calculative in love. I decided to make a sane choice. I met this guy who I did not fall for but who I thought would work as a partner. I felt that life was more in control because of that. I did not feel bad if he did not return my call. I did not hold things against him. He, on his part, did exactly what I would ask of him. He’d take me out when I’d want, he’d talk to me if I wanted to, most of all, he’d call me his soulmate. I did feel the same in the beginning. I felt we had a lot of similarities. But I did not feel love. I thought, let’s try this. So I did. I took the plunge.

We moved in together and much to my disappointment, I was not in love. I overlooked a lot of his glaring shortcomings in the initial days of dating thinking I could do with a few problems with a man. Little did I know what I was signing up for. I could not make do with those flaws. I wanted certain things which he completely didn’t and that didn’t fit well with me. Slowly, gradually we started fighting over a lot of things.

We still live in the same house. But I don’t, I can’t love him. I had made a calculative choice. That does not work. It just doesn’t. I feel tormented every day by that choice I made. Today, where I stand, I feel all the problems I have faced are the consequences of my choices – my wrong choices  over and over and over again. My heartbreaks are mine – I’m responsible for them. What saddens me the most though is the fact that I cannot find true love. What is it? Where is it? Is it even real or just meant to be for the movies?

I would love to be madly in love but with someone who equally is madly in love with me. I want someone who can understand me and also know that I can understand him. Sure, we’ll have our own moments of solitude when we wouldn’t want the other to bother us and that’s fine. But after all this, what I have learnt is that if I want true love and believe in it – it will come to me.

I’m sure of it! What I have learnt is that heartbreaks are important but more than that choices are. Of course you cannot control so many things in life but if you feel unwanted as an individual in a relationship, then you’re surely not in a relationship full of love. You should get yourself out of it as soon as you can   – to avoid the mess, to avoid your own devastation.

While I type these words down, I know in my heart that I still have the will to love and I will find it. I might just have found someone but I also know that I can fall prey to yet another heartbreak. He might not reciprocate, he might have someone else. I’m in that phase where I want to know if he likes me as much as I like him. But I can’t know. The only change that I made in my dealing with this situation is that I’ve been more open with my feelings. I can actually say that I do know he likes me but the extent of it is what I yearn to know! It’s the worst feeling, you have no way to know that until he probably comes to you and asks you out.

I am scared again – I have that same feeling creeping in of being hurt and rejected and not loved back. I still feel I cannot fully love him for fear of yet another heartbreak. But I don’t think I will create a wall around me and wait for him to break it. What if by creating that wall, I don’t give him enough incentive to break it? I’d rather embrace another heartbreak than keep wondering “what if?” I will take my chance. I will keep myself available. I will make it known (sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly) that I do  like him – I have already, actually! So what if he doesn’t want to take it anywhere more serious. I’ll have another heartbreak? If I have the will to love then I should also have the will to feel pain in its purest form. I will take it – I will be vulnerable – it is necessary.

Secretly, I do know that he won’t let me go through that pain. I know, somehow, that he will come and sweep me off my feet and ask me out. I know he will not disappoint me –  I will not let myself get disappointed.

If it all doesn’t work out well for me in the end then well, I know I’ll move on. Just another heartache I’ll have to deal with.

Posted in My Mundane Diaries

What Happens…

As I walked out of my office, I wondered whether the path that I had chosen was right. I looked at the auto wala and asked him, “Bhaiyya, chalna hai? Metro?”(Brother, I need to go to the metro). I got onto the auto and as the wind duelled with my already dishevelled hair I still wondered…

It was hardly a ten minutes ride, he said, “Madamji, yahi pe chodunga, aage jaane nahi denge.”(Madam, I shall have to drop you here, I don’t think they’d allow me to go any further) I looked at the distance between the auto and metro and deciding that it was favourable I refrained from arguing with him. It was that time of the month and I was the worst when it came to not staining oneself if you know what I mean. I disembarked the auto and was sure that the standing auto wala had clearly seen that stain of blood on my panties as I bent to get out. I saw him staring at me or rather he was lost while he stared at me…

============================================================================= Continue reading “What Happens…”

Posted in My Mundane Diaries

Mundane and I Are Best Friends

Best friends and BFFs are usually people. Even I have them. But one thing that will always remain close to me is the mundane nature of life. It is my best friend. I cannot get rid of it. I do not want to get rid of it. It is what is life to me. It is clearly indispensable.

So my aim here is not to pen down my relationship with mundane-ness(if that’s a word; too lazy to Google). It is in fact to pen down how I have come to realize it is what I want to survive. It entertains me, gives me food for thought..a lot of thought. Continue reading “Mundane and I Are Best Friends”