Posted in My Mundane Diaries, New Stuff

Exploring the g(r)ay areas in love

So, if you’ve read my previous post, you would know that I am with someone who I do not love. Nor does he. He does claim that he does but only when we have awful fights and I resolve to leave. It is then and only then that he decides to declare his love for me.

It’s pretty clear where that comes from. We all are afraid of being stranded – not knowing what to do if left by someone. We don’t want to delve into the unknown. I understand, I sympathize and that’s partially the reason why I am still in that house, feeling caged, feeling imprisoned.

How do I know he doesn’t love me? We live together but do not express love for each other. Things that couples do are not common to us. Of course we go out, watch movies together, eat together, go out for dinner to some place together. But these activities do not become the only defining factors of love. They are just one facet of relationships. It is not a validation of love. The one thing that is missing is the gestures of love.

The fact that you can snuggle with each other to find comfort when you’re troubled from work, or from strained ties at home or something else is missing. The fact that when in love, lust is also important is something alien to us. Let me rephrase that – he does not feel attracted to me and over time now I do not feel attracted to him either.

It’s strange for me to gulp it down that a guy who claims that he loves me doesn’t feel attracted to me. Initially, I overlooked that fact because I thought I’d take my own time to see where the whole thing was going and then decide to go all the way.

I even told him, “Let’s wait for the right moment. Let’s not rush into things.” He graciously accepted and I felt relieved and impressed at the same time. You see, I did not want it to be all about sex at the end of it all. I wanted it to be more substantial first and then make the decision of doing it.

But that day of being sure, since the time we decided not to, has never come. For some reason I do not feel he is one bit attracted to me. So you’d ask, “Why don’t you talk to him about it?” Then I’d say, “I did. I spoke to him as openly as I could.” I asked him if he wasn’t attracted to me at all. He denied it. He said he was, “I am attracted to you. What are you even talking about?!” I retorted, “So then why is it that you never initiate things? Of late I do think I want to do it but I don’t see you feeling inclined towards it at all? Is there a problem with me?” He dismissed my observations as overthinking.

I do not know if he is gay or bisexual or something else but I do think that I’ve put myself in yet another pickle. I had thought initially that I could do with a relationship devoid of physical intimacy. To be very transparent, I have even tried on countless occasions to try and get physically intimate but I had no luck. I tried almost everything a woman would – we took weekend trips away from the city, we went out, got drunk came back and made out but that’s it. It has never gone beyond that and I have no idea why.

You might think, “Maybe he has a problem. Maybe he should see a doctor. Look into his past.”  Done all of that and yet the answer is unknown. The fact that he’s so casual about the problem makes me worry! Even if we say he were gay it is only obvious why he was trying to work it out with a girl.

The society in which we live is one where being gay is not yet socially accepted nor a familiar thing. Forget about social acceptability, I do not think he’d even be able to come out to his parents. For people like that, there is no resort left but to try and find a female partner who would help them keep their cover. I feel sad, I feel unhappy every time I think about it, about his situation and mine.

I’ve put myself in a difficult situation yet again by bringing myself in a relationship that I calculatingly chose. His possessiveness, his want to retain me makes me sad. I know why he wants to keep me and I cannot do anything about it. He does not want to go through the trouble of finding yet another girl who would be accommodating of his ways. I don’t want to abandon him and yet I have no other choice. I want to help but he does not want to admit to himself even that he probably does not like women. I grapple with his attitude every day and I feel I am of no help to him.

I have proposed moving out so many times and he has felt disappointed with me every time I’ve raised the topic. I am trying to prepare him for me leaving him and yet it feels so difficult. It’s been more than a year since I’ve been with this guy and all I can think of is how not to hurt him. I do not want him to lose hope or to feel that he will all alone. I don’t want him to feel abandoned and yet I do want to leave. I hate to be in that position where I have to the leave the other person. But do I have a choice if it isn’t working out for me? I don’t think so.

I am just another person and he is just another guy but a guy who is probably very scared to face the world when it comes to his preferences and I completely understand that. But what can I do? Is it so selfish to think that I should move on? Is it selfish to look for love for myself when I know how tough it’s going to be for him? Maybe he won’t find it, maybe he will. But can I do anything to help him if he refuses to even admit to himself that he might (the keyword is might) be gay?

Crazy rants!

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oranges and lemon sold for a penny, all the school girls are so many, the grass is so green, and the rose is so red remember me, when you are ........

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