Posted in My Mundane Diaries, New Stuff

Having heartbreaks again and again…and again

So, here’s a story that is similar to many others. It’s about falling head over heels in love and then out of it and then in and out becomes a regular thing. No? If not, then why is it that you always fall for the “wrong person”? Yes, it happens…and slowly, gradually you start questioning yourself – your shortcomings. You think something is wrong with you, not the other person. Life has been harsh to you and only you and you should build a strong wall around yourself and not let yourself be vulnerable again. But guess what, the next guy that comes your way, who impresses you ends up peeling that wall down as simply as peeling an orange. Whatever happened to that strong wall? What in the world happened to it?!!!!

It scares you! You feel you are easy. Of course you are easy. But don’t be so hard on yourself. I say, don’t create that wall! There is no wall. There’s just two people – you and him and that’s all there is to it, seriously.

I am someone who has fallen madly in love once – just once! That was the first guy I dated and it ended in the worst of nightmares. We were together for almost eight years and as I listen to a gloomy track while i type right now, all I can think of is just one word that is causing everyone trouble – love. That’s the word around which teenagers, adults, everyone revolve right now. To be more specific – unrequited love. The kind of love that does not find closure is what breaks us…it causes hurt and pain and madness for some. I was deeply and devoutly in love with the first every guy I had dated. I was back in school when I started dating him and continued with it through college. It was a turmoil ridden relationship.

He wasn’t the regular guy who’d come over and see me or go out on dates with me. He did not even show up on my birthday when I moved out of my parent’s home and went to another city to finish college. It was hardly a relationship and yet all through my first year in college I could only just think about him. We were in the same city but he refused to act like a normal boyfriend. He had his own explanations for all that. I was stupid enough to date him but I was stupider still to think I was in a relationship. However, I did not let go of him until I was midway through my second year in college. After a year passed, he got in touch and said he wanted to get back. I did – I accepted. After all, for me he was my “first love.” I did not want to lose out on “true love.”

To cut the story short – it didn’t work out. It was not meant to be and it took me an awful lot of time to realize that. When I left the city to finish my post graduation in another city, I found myself getting attracted to this other guy. I did like him but not even close friends knew of my liking towards him because I refused to acknowledge it. I was scared that news would spread and the guy would come to know. So I kept my secret safe until he started dating some other girl and I could not handle it. I did what every person my age would do – got drunk and cried. That was also the time when my friends got to know about my liking towards that guy. They were baffled and consoled me and went to the extent of saying, “You should have told us sooner! We would have easily fixed you up with him. Why didn’t you tell us?”

Like I said, I was scared. I did not want another disaster. My first relationship gave me a lot of rejection, dejection, hurt, self-doubt, madness and I did not want it again. I did not want to put myself through that again. Little did I understand that not every guy was out to make my life miserable. I had come to believe that I was unlucky (much of that had to do with how I grew up in my family). I do not have the confidence to match up with another individual – I feel we are two different personalities and having a common ground is difficult. Despite that I still think that I will find love.

The night I drank and cried was also the night of yet another disaster I brought upon myself. The next morning, as I felt groggy and sick, I realized that the previous night one of my guy friends had told me that he likes me. I decided to dive into it. I checked my phone and saw the missed calls from him. My first instinct – dive! I called him and the moment I did he apologized to me for going beyond line the previous night. I asked him not to apologize but to have a mutually beneficial relationship with me.

The relationship turned toxic. It had to! I made the wrong choice. I was not meant for that sort of relationship. I fell for a good-for-nothing mad pot smoker who was into all kinds of drugs too! I spent a good two years just waiting and wondering that he’d come around. I spent those years in deceit, in lies, in “love.” I hated myself every time I gave in to his sweet talk and then more madness unfolded when I got back to the city where I had started my college. I found myself in a sticky situation with my ex who madly wanted me back and all I could think of was that junkie. As I swung between the junkie and my ex, I saw my life falling apart. I pushed my ex out of my life and concentrated on the lying and cheating jerk because I thought I was madly in love.

Now that I look at it, I know I was not in love. But that whole experience fucked me up! There’s no other way to put it. I think I just jumped from one messy relationship to another – and for what? Because I was too afraid to acknowledge my actual feelings! What if I had been more accepting of my fear of liking that guy from postgrad college? What if I had actually gone and told him? What if? Now there’s only a ‘what if.’ My friends still keep telling me that I had a great chance with him but I should have told them about it and should have done something about it. But now there’s nothing I can do. The guy is going strong with the girl he started dating back then and they will soon get married. Besides, I do not even feel anything for him anymore.

But the whole experience led me towards a worse direction. So to be able to get out of that madness I was going through with junkie, I decided to try seeing someone random. I met this guy I barely knew at a cafe which had blaring music. He was sweet, he was overexcited about “us.” I felt wanted. So, I liked it. He’d randomly talk about getting married, he’d talk about me – as a person. He’d shower me with compliments and what not! I loved it. I felt good about myself – for the first time! I did not know these things were common. While my friends found these gestures common, I found them wonderful for obvious reasons. I did not get such positive gestures before. But then that was brief. We found our cracks – he was too unavailable and I was still holding back. I was still scared to let out my true feelings. I did like him but I did not want him to have that knowledge and then have power over me. I had been manipulated in my previous relationship – I didn’t want that again. So, slowly we lost touch and moved to another city. I tried keeping in touch, I tried rekindling things but to no avail. I was broken yet again!

After that I went on several dates – met quite a number of suitable “boys.” But I did not like them. Also, I decided not to feel anymore – I decided to be calculative in love. I decided to make a sane choice. I met this guy who I did not fall for but who I thought would work as a partner. I felt that life was more in control because of that. I did not feel bad if he did not return my call. I did not hold things against him. He, on his part, did exactly what I would ask of him. He’d take me out when I’d want, he’d talk to me if I wanted to, most of all, he’d call me his soulmate. I did feel the same in the beginning. I felt we had a lot of similarities. But I did not feel love. I thought, let’s try this. So I did. I took the plunge.

We moved in together and much to my disappointment, I was not in love. I overlooked a lot of his glaring shortcomings in the initial days of dating thinking I could do with a few problems with a man. Little did I know what I was signing up for. I could not make do with those flaws. I wanted certain things which he completely didn’t and that didn’t fit well with me. Slowly, gradually we started fighting over a lot of things.

We still live in the same house. But I don’t, I can’t love him. I had made a calculative choice. That does not work. It just doesn’t. I feel tormented every day by that choice I made. Today, where I stand, I feel all the problems I have faced are the consequences of my choices – my wrong choices  over and over and over again. My heartbreaks are mine – I’m responsible for them. What saddens me the most though is the fact that I cannot find true love. What is it? Where is it? Is it even real or just meant to be for the movies?

I would love to be madly in love but with someone who equally is madly in love with me. I want someone who can understand me and also know that I can understand him. Sure, we’ll have our own moments of solitude when we wouldn’t want the other to bother us and that’s fine. But after all this, what I have learnt is that if I want true love and believe in it – it will come to me.

I’m sure of it! What I have learnt is that heartbreaks are important but more than that choices are. Of course you cannot control so many things in life but if you feel unwanted as an individual in a relationship, then you’re surely not in a relationship full of love. You should get yourself out of it as soon as you can   – to avoid the mess, to avoid your own devastation.

While I type these words down, I know in my heart that I still have the will to love and I will find it. I might just have found someone but I also know that I can fall prey to yet another heartbreak. He might not reciprocate, he might have someone else. I’m in that phase where I want to know if he likes me as much as I like him. But I can’t know. The only change that I made in my dealing with this situation is that I’ve been more open with my feelings. I can actually say that I do know he likes me but the extent of it is what I yearn to know! It’s the worst feeling, you have no way to know that until he probably comes to you and asks you out.

I am scared again – I have that same feeling creeping in of being hurt and rejected and not loved back. I still feel I cannot fully love him for fear of yet another heartbreak. But I don’t think I will create a wall around me and wait for him to break it. What if by creating that wall, I don’t give him enough incentive to break it? I’d rather embrace another heartbreak than keep wondering “what if?” I will take my chance. I will keep myself available. I will make it known (sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly) that I do  like him – I have already, actually! So what if he doesn’t want to take it anywhere more serious. I’ll have another heartbreak? If I have the will to love then I should also have the will to feel pain in its purest form. I will take it – I will be vulnerable – it is necessary.

Secretly, I do know that he won’t let me go through that pain. I know, somehow, that he will come and sweep me off my feet and ask me out. I know he will not disappoint me –  I will not let myself get disappointed.

If it all doesn’t work out well for me in the end then well, I know I’ll move on. Just another heartache I’ll have to deal with.

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oranges and lemon sold for a penny, all the school girls are so many, the grass is so green, and the rose is so red remember me, when you are ........

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