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Well, what can I say? I’m trapped in a book with nobody left to speak to but you. You there, staring right down at me, as you read these alphabets and words to make sense of what is going to happen further ahead in this story. I wouldn’t know why I’d choose to share my life with a bunch of people who’d rather either get high or take a dump.

I need you to understand that this story is in no way an instrument of entertainment. If anything, it is an instrument for putting you to sleep. I openly suggest you read this before you go to bed. The lazies who already do that, kudos and rejoice for the ultimate nap-time story is here for you.

The Interview

Hi there! So, as you wonder what’s in store in the next 100-200 pages, I will tell you that you can expect a mundane story of a guy who’s been less than average in life. Welcome to my life.

Let’s begin from the beginning, shall we?

“I grew up studying Shakespeare, Dickens, great classical literature and went on to get a degree in Humanities.”

This is what I thought would be my opening words at the Nth job interview I am up for. Let’s walk in.

“Hi Mr. Blah, how are you?” asks a stout, balding yet well clothed man sitting across the table.

“I’m good. I hope you are too?” I ask in response and take my seat without being asked to.

“Yes. Please take a seat and let’s begin,” says the man – now that’s awkward – as he looks over his glasses at me with scrutiny. I clear my throat; I gulp air as my throat turns drier sitting and feeling a tense and chilly atmosphere that was set at the interviewer’s room – chilly mostly because the AC is nearly blasting at my face and ACs make me uncomfortable and itchy in the throat.

“Feeling distracted, Mr. Blah?” quizzes my interviewer as I pen down my thoughts in my brain to be vomited later in paper.

“No, not at all! I’m sorry if I came off that way,” I promptly reply to the first question he shot at me. I do admit it was an easy question.

He continued, “That’s okay. So, tell me about yourself.”

The moment he says that, I customarily open my Pandora’s box. It is not that he has not asked a “valid” question, it’s just that he has asked a question that I do not have a definitive answer to. For the very many interviews that I have gone to, the first question that is, without fail, asked is “Tell me more about yourself.”

I do not understand the nature of the question. Correction: I do not understand the nature of any of the questions that are asked during these interview processes. There are standard questions every where but then some also do have extraordinary questions.

Sample this other interview I went to:

“Hello, Mr. Blah, please take a seat. I assume you know what position you have applied for. So, can you tell me what exactly are YOU looking for?”

The problem is at that very point I get caught up in telling myself what I want and forget that I need to attend to the question at hand. But well, this is what I thought at that moment: “I’m looking for a job is what I’m looking for, you weird tall, eagle-like creature! Why else would I be here? It’s been months and I need a job. I do not have time for the standard Q&A round. Just give me the job and I will be gone!”

Now, obviously I couldn’t tell my stern looking interviewer that; it brings me to the question – why do interviewers have to be so stern looking all the time? Were they born with a stern face? If so, did they go to organisations which hired interviewers who looked it by birth? Or was it an attribute that gets cultivated over time? It’s a nagging question I have in my head.

But worse still are those interviews where there are more than one interviewer and they are divided  into good cop – bad cop categories. That just muddles your head. You do not know how to keep your calm and you do not know when to stop because while one stares at you like he could transmit a serious disease to you right there if you answered ‘wrong,’ the other gave you an awful dose of sugar coated what not in the form of words that you might just walk out of the room with diabetes!

Coming back to the question: “Tell me more about yourself.” That can be one with a broad array of answers. What if I really start telling the interviewer about myself? What if I do tell him or her what I know and what I want to do? There is a good chance I will not land a job.

This is why I checked, like all of you must have, those 10 pointer articles on nailing interviews. However, I must say, following those pointers did not go down well with me. I do not quite understand why. Especially because most of those articles, and believe me I have read a lot of them, ended on such a positive note, making me positive that I would nail the next interview, no matter what.

So, now as I face the interviewer, across the room asking me for details about my life, I smile and tell him exactly what he wants to hear. He looks regally bored and I understand the outcome of yet another interview.

I didn’t get that job either. This isn’t going well. This is my journey and, people, brace yourselves for a boring, tiring, rant filled journey through my life in the hope for landing a job and finding a promising career.

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oranges and lemon sold for a penny, all the school girls are so many, the grass is so green, and the rose is so red remember me, when you are ........

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